Tag Archives: inspire

Dear Methylenedioxymethamphetamine…

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rave

Dear Methylenedioxymethamphetamine,

You lips were bitter like a gourd but your kisses left me speechless on countless occasions.  You made my heart beat faster, my eyes widen in awe and my jaws clench in excitement. You made me impulsive, you made me deceptive and you made me provocative.

From the start I could tell you were a sinister man. You would always show up to the party early, manipulating yourself through the crowd, never passing me up to say hello. The first night we met, you introduced me to one of your friends. You pressured me to stay the night with him and even though I really didn’t want to, you convinced me that I should. You were so pleased when you saw us together, you seemed proud of your work—a brilliant self-proclaimed matchmaker but you would never admit it. You would joke how it was inevitable and claim that it wasn’t your doing. I knew that it was but I still tried to shove down my immediate feelings of regret to embrace my new life of love and drugs. I reluctantly welcomed your charm whenever I saw you, forcing a smile and saving you a dance. We eventually got closer as my ignorance dissolved any apprehensions.

I was still with your friend after sometime but that didn’t stop you from expressing your fondness of me. I even think that he noticed you making moves but decided not to do anything or even care. It’s like he didn’t mind sharing me with the man who arranged a young, pretty, foreign girl to play house with him. I tried to look past this, accepting the reputation I had built for myself: American slut. I took a week off to travel and escape you both. After several days I became bored so you came out to visit me without my lovers knowledge.

We spent some time with other travelers on the vast onyx beach one night and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I had just cheated on the man I had been living with for a month with two people (not including you). While I should have been ashamed of myself, instead I felt exhilarated. I had a sense of pride for my promiscuity. You encouraged me to stay with you again and I told you that, “if it will be, then it will be.” And so it was. For days I kept my mouth sealed as we snuck around together every chance we got. Together, we stayed up for days, starved and drove ourselves mad.

Eventually I had to go back to the home. You told me you would come to see me and you did. We acted out the same scene we left on that dark night on the beach. Only now we were surrounded by ravers in a massive stadium covered in flashing lights and melting colours. We walked through the crowd together and danced around the beautiful people. When we sat down you welcomed a stranger by my side and told him to kiss me behind my ear. You lead his hand up my thigh and lay me on the grass surrounded by hundreds of on-lookers. You had done it again. You had me put out again.

Your presence slackened my body and made my mind weak, I lost sight of right and wrong. My moral standards were clouded by the sudden urge to lose complete control. You’re malicious and manipulative— you’re the definition of a psychopath. Don’t you see how sick it is to find such pleasure from someone in such a state of senselessness and vulnerability?

I don’t have any regrets for what I’ve done. I know that it was all because of your influence. I would never repeat what I have done with you but I am not ashamed of it anymore. I know that if we ever saw each other again, you’d try and bring me down to that level of pure, passionate idiocy and I dare you to try because this time it’s different. I have respect for myself now and I know that I deserve so much better. I deserve real love. Not these temporary fixes that were set up on a high.

I won’t miss you.

Goodbye M.D.M.A.

No regrets,

Robyn

 

Dear Lysergic Acid Diethylamide…

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Acid

Dear Lysergic Acid Diethylamide,

I sit here in the shadow of the night, watching the darkness play tricks on my eyes and it reminds me of you. Only you never played it off as a joke. It’s as if you enjoyed watching me grow increasingly more puzzled, dazed, and confused with every embrace. The world around me became blurred as you dizzied me with admiration. Everything I saw, everything I heard, and everything I felt transformed into a sensation of profound heightened clarity. I had never felt this way before. I was amused by your presence but I was not convinced that all this newfound beauty was the influence of only your love. I know you must have had some resentments towards me because I spoke so poorly of you, telling everyone that you were worthless and useless. But that only lead you to pursue me even harder, as if you had something to prove. You tried and tried, again and again but I insisted that you were never enough for me. You began to taunt me, somehow persuading me to try my luck with you. And I did— admittedly, so willingly. After a week of timid romance, I finally surrendered all self-respect as I gave myself to you completely. I will never forget that night and when you defiled my soul. I was already so weak, growing increasingly more dependent and entirely delusional about you. I would wonder when I would see you again and fantasize about what we would do. I wanted to feel your embrace and push the limits of our love. I wanted to see more than just the earth dance. I wanted to feel more than just the vibrations of every sound. I wanted to understand more than just the ease of every silence. I wanted to trip out… bad.

The miraculous thing is that I was already tripped out but I hadn’t fully realized it. I had tripped out after meeting you on the first night. You managed to steal more of of my time and I was curious to get to know you, only feeling disappointed by the end of the night— unaware of what you had done to me. That disappointment was irrational, I had made the mistake of unknowingly falling for you. You had me under your spell. I only just figured that out. For weeks I had tried to get a perfect trip, thinking all along that I had never actually had one (as though everything I experienced was real). I had left the confines of reality and I didn’t even think of looking back. I was losing it and eventually I lost it.

For days I was coming down from your high only to have you swing me up again in your charm as I would ignorantly insist that “we weren’t working.” You were so adamant to convince me and I was so naive to taunt you like I did. I had no idea what you were doing and what you were capable of. If I would’ve known that your seduction would have destroyed my mind for years to come, I would’ve never provoked it.

But thats a lie… I still would have made love to you.

And that’s why I am writing:

I never had the chance to tell you the truth: I am an addict. I was before I ever met you but I didn’t want you to know. I had already been with countless of other drugs but I never thought you would all be the same. Its true though, your all just as cunning, untrustworthy and frightening. You were the most devious of them all. The way you manipulated me is unparalleled and I will never forgive you for that. Even after months of our separation you were still harassing me. Using men to lure me back to you. Hypnotizing me with ideas of false admiration and recreational sex. Luckily, I didn’t fall for it so easily that time. Sure, I spoke of surrender but I never sought out any action.

I had a feeling you would come back for me and I know we might run into each other in the future. Thats why I want you to know that as much as I hate leaving you on a sour note, its for the better. We would never work. We would always be at each others throat. You would never be enough for me and I could never make you happy without going mad. I mean, I am still picking up the pieces from my last high… I thought torrent of insanity I experienced for months after we had last met would never end. While I eventually managed to collect my mind and find a sense of stability, I still experience some side-effects of our heated past. You are still with me in my mind. From time to time I see these vivid colours and flashing lights and I know that that’s remnants of your binding spell. I can’t believe that you have threatened me with these flashbacks, saying that I will have them for years to come. You blame it all on the length and progression of our relationship at the time, telling me that it was all my fault; “if you hadn’t doubted me, if you hadn’t belittled me…” All I can say is that I am sorry. It was I who instigated the relationship. My curiosity was convincing and my ego was big. I went in with greedy intentions but after all you have put me through, I think its safe to say that we are even now. You have hurt me enough, striping me of sanity and making me feel so helpless and vulnerable. You can chose show me mercy or remain cold and bitter. But I know that you have a heart somewhere to forgive me and I look forward to the day when you finally release me from your grip. For now, I wish you nothing but peace and solitude.

 

Goodbye L.S.D.

Your old valentine,

Robyn

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

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Sometimes we get lost comparing the judgements of others and our view of ourselves. We constantly beat ourselves up for not being what we think others want us to be, expect us to be. But we have to realize that we are who we are, and we are beautiful in our own way. While this song is outdated, it carries a message that stands the test of time. 

Lyrics:

Every day is so wonderful
Then suddenly it’s hard to breathe.
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain, I’m so ashamed.

I am beautiful no matter what they say.
Words can’t bring me down.
I am beautiful in every single way.
Yes, words can’t bring me down… Oh no.
So don’t you bring me down today.

To all your friends you’re delirious,
So consumed in all your doom.
Trying hard to fill the emptiness.
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone.
is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring you down….oh no
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring you down, oh, no
So don’t you bring me down today…

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We’re the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(the sun will always, always shine)
And tomorrow we might wake on the other side

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won’t bring us down, no, no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring us down, oh, no
So don’t you bring me down today

Oh, yeah, don’t you bring me down today, yeah, ooh
Don’t you bring me down ooh… today

I’ll be Home for Christmas by Markell Clay

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This is one of my favourite songs. Especially this year because I am not in Illinois to celebrate in the cold of the winter. I get teary eyed thinking about how I am not with some of the most supportive and caring people in my life on such of day of thanksgiving. I will miss them this holiday season but they are always in my heart.

Just for today, let’s stay clean for our families and friends. Through all the pain we’ve caused them, all the heart ache, all the dishonesty— they still found a way to love us and never gave up on us. They have faith in us to live a clean and sober life. Let’s make them proud this Christmas.

Lyrics:

I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents ‘neath the tree

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
And you’ll be in my dreams

I’ll be home this Christmas, darling
I’ll be coming home to you
And there’s nothing in the world
Gonna get in my way

I’ll be home for Christmas
You can plan on me
Please have snow
And mistletoe
And presents ‘neath the tree

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
And you’ll be in my dreams
I’ll be home for Christmas
Till then you’ll be in my dreams

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

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The Power of Now

The Power of Now is, to say the least, POWERFUL. Eckhart Tolle does a phenomenal job expressing the importance of the present and how it can change your life. Being in the Now is something I have tried to stress in some of my earlier blogs focusing on meditation and awareness. While meditation is one way to get there, through this book you will find that you can be in this moment every second of every day. Luckily for you, the audiobook is now free for 30 days from Audible.com. This company is affiliated with Amazon and you do have to check out with your information secured for after the trial ends. However, if you listen to it everyday, I promise you can finish it and end the renewal before it comes to bite you. If your still unsure about signing up, you can always head to your local library and find either the book or audio recording there. Anyways, I highly recommend it! Even though there is not much mention of addiction, you will find this book incredibly resourceful. Below is a review from the Audible website.” -Enjoy, Robyn

Review from Audible.com:

To make the journey into The Power of Now you need to leave your analytical mind and its false created self, the ego, behind. Access to the Now is everywhere – in the body, the silence, and the space all around you. These are the keys to enter a state of inner peace. They can be used to bring you into the Now, the present moment, where problems do not exist. It is here you find your joy and are able to embrace your true self. It is here you discover that you are already complete and perfect.

Although the journey is challenging, Eckhart Tolle offers simple language in a question and answer format. The words themselves are the signposts to guide you on your journey. There are new discoveries to be made along the way: you are not your mind, you can find your way out of psychological pain, authentic human power is found by surrendering to the Now. When you become fully present and accepting of what is, you open yourself to the transforming experience of The Power of Now.

 

 

These Walls by Teddy Geiger

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We all have those days when we are feeling hopeless and confused. When the world seems to be falling around us. But we have to remember that we are not alone. We don’t need to fear, we need to have faith. Faith in ourselves that we can overcome any difficulties. After all, we’ve seen it done before.

Lyrics:

I can’t believe what is in front of me
The water’s rising up to my knees
And I can’t figure out
How the hell I wound up here
Everything seemed okay when I started out the other day
Then the rain came pouring down
And now I’m drowning in my fears
And as I watch the setting sun
I wonder if I’m the only one

[Chorus:]
‘Cause everybody tries to put some love on the line
And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes
And even when I’m scared I have to try to fly
Sometimes I fall
But I’ve seen it done before
I got to step outside these walls

I’ve got no master plan to help me out
Or make me stand up for
All the things that I really want
You had me to afraid to ask
And as I look ahead of me
Cry and pray for sanity

[Chorus]

These walls can’t be my haven
These walls can’t keep me safe here
Now i guess I’ve got to let them down

[Chorus]

I got to break out…
I got to break out…
I got to step outside these walls
There’s love outside these walls
I’ve felt my heart break
But its a brand new day
And I’m not going down
‘Cause I’m stepping out
I’m stepping outside
These walls

Part of Me by Katy Perry

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How can you hate a girl that not only walks to her own beats but shares them with the world? This is an empowering song from Katy Perry that can be related to a break-up OR recovery! It’s all about a fresh start and staying true to yourself. Just read the lyrics and interpret it through your own story. You may find a deeper meaning like I do.

Lyrics:

Days like this I want to drive away
Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade
‘Cause you chewed me up and spit me out
Like I was poison in your mouth
You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

[Chorus:]
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no
Throw your sticks and your stones,
Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
This is the part of me
That you’re never gonna ever take away from me, no

I just wanna throw my phone away
Find out who is really there for me
‘Cause you ripped me off, your love was cheap

Was always tearing at the seams
I fell deep, and you let me down
But that was then and this is now
Now look at me

[Chorus]

Now look at me I’m sparkling
A firework, a dancing flame
You won’t ever put me out again
I’m glowin’, oh, whoa
So you can keep the diamond ring
It don’t mean nothing anyway
In fact you can keep everything, yeah, yeah,
Except for me

[Chorus x2]

Get in My Way by Robin Thicke

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This song wants to make you get up and shake your booty. Its so groovy!
Seriously though, Robin Thicke is a pretty cool artist and his old school vibe is really unique in this day and age. If your looking to boost your mood and get pumped, then this is the song for you cause “ain’t nobody that’s gonna get in your way!”

Lyrics:

Come on let’s go ain’t nobody gonna get in my way
I’m gonna make it, no matter what you say
I’m flying by you, better stay on your lane
It’s so deny, ain’t nobody gonna get in my way

Stefy, out of jail
I’m tired of living my own hell
I can see your laughing beyond this cell
Working hard like there’s a gun in my back
I’ll be worth one thousand with the weight of my bet

Come on let’s go ain’t nobody get in my way
I’m gonna make it, no matter what you say
I’m flying by you, better stay on your lane
It’s so deny, ain’t nobody gonna get in my way

Can sesame, this party high
It’s burning feet, it’s meant to be
Inventing my own reality
Working hard like there’s a gun in my back
I’ll be worth one thousand with the weight of my bet

Come on let’s go ain’t nobody get in my way
I’m gonna make it, no matter what you say
I’m flying by you, better stay on your lane
It’s so deny, ain’t nobody gonna get in my way

Baby here’s my chance, the wind got my back
The feeling that the leisure running on down my back
My feet hardly hit the ground
I feel like I’m walking on cloud, I did it
No fear, no war

Come on let’s go ain’t nobody get in my way
I’m gonna make it, no matter what you say
I’m flying by you, better stay on your lane
It’s so deny, no fear, no war

x3

If We Were Mice Who Like to Party…

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Now, Im the last person to condone testing on animals. And by turning them into cute and high virtual cartoons may be harmless, I just want to remind you of what the REALITY is… Anyways, click the image to view an informative and interactive flash video about how drugs and alcohol effect the brain!

Mouse Party

Sober by Pink

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The social aspect of drug use plays a big role in a lot of our experiences. Many of us no the feeling of being the only one THIS drunk/high. The one that was known to not only be at the party but BE the party. It all seems like fun until we crash. Until it gets bad. Pink does a great job describing what life is like as that kind of alcoholic/addict. Watch the video and be sure to read along with the lyrics.

Lyrics:

I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at four o’clock in the mornin’
‘Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home

Ah, the sun is blindin’
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin’
That that’s not the way I want my story to end

I’m safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain inside, you’re my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don’t wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth
Please don’t tell me that we had that conversation
‘Cause I won’t remember, save your breath ’cause what’s the use?

Ah, the night is callin’
And it whispers to me softly, “Come and play”
I, I am fallin’
And if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame

I’m safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain inside, you’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin’ down, comin’ down, coming down
Spinnin’ ’round, spinnin’ ’round, spinnin’ ’round
I’m lookin’ for myself, sober
x2

When it’s good then it’s good, it’s so good till it goes bad
Till you’re trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, “Never again”
Broken down in agony, just tryin’ find a friend

I’m safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party’s over?
No pain inside, you’re like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
How do I feel this good sober??
x2