Tag Archives: have

Who Have I Become by Best Coast

Video

When I listen to this song I think back to when I was using and how I began to lose myself, question myself and hate myself. It was a dark place but now that I am out I can really reflect and see how my life has changed. Do some reflection yourself and enjoy the pop tunes from the fun and upbeat band, Best Coast.

Lyrics:

Sometimes I hate myself for loving you…
And my dreams are just dramatic versions of
My real life.
And life is short, but so am I.
What does it matter anyway?
Just a small price that I pay to feel the same way every single day…
Every single day…

I want to be somebody else.
Sick of myself and how I feel.
Don’t recognize who I see in the morning.
Used to be so clear.
And now I’m waking up to strangers with their shadows on my face.
So quickly I remember what it felt like to be in this place…
To be in this place…

The day is done and he has won
again I’m running from the one
I love, but I don’t know
if its true.
Do I love you?

The day is done and he has won
again I’m running from the one
I love, but I don’t know
if its true.
Who have I become?
Who have I become?
Who have I become?

And now I’m tired
Oh so tired of this story being told.
When did I wake up and
Suddenly my soul has grown so old?

You’re never wrong.
You’re never right.
It’s never told in black and white.

To my surprise
I realize
That I am always on the run…
Always on the run…

The day is done and he has won
again I’m running from the one
I love, but I don’t know
if its true.
Do I love you?

The day is done and he has won
again I’m running from the one
I love, but I don’t know
if its true.
Who have I become?
Who have I become?
Who have I become?

It’s always coming up so wrong.
And I am always on the run.
It’s always coming up so wrong.
And I am always on the run…

 

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Progress, Not Perfection

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Many of us have a hard time realizing the progress we make in recovery. We often make the mistake of only focusing on the negative outcomes that would occur if we started using again and not the positives that come from never picking up. When we get trapped in the emotions such as fear, we end up getting caught in a black hole of pity. That is no way to live in recovery. We have to remain optimistic and push forward, always reminding ourselves that the future can only get better from here.

Wherever this moment is to you, it was not your rock bottom. Whatever your rock bottom was, even if you didn’t wind up in a jail or an institution, you don’t have to keep at it  until you do. Why go on digging when you can crawl out from this present point? No matter where your life has taken you, it can progress. That is, if you want it to.

As we recover we start to realize how important it is for us to admit complete willingness to the program. Without that drive to let go and let God, to admit our faults and honestly confined in one another, progress may never come. When we can learn to heal ourselves on the inside, we will start to notice our external worries fade away. Opportunities will arise and dreams that were once lost can come true. So long as we trust in our decisions now and know that they will lead to fulfillment in the future, we can do anything we set our mind to.

A mistake we may make is pushing towards a goal that is too big for us while we are in recovery. We have to remember to take it one step at a time and that progress is not perfection. With everyday we can work slow and steady towards our goals, never letting ourselves spin out of control with those thoughts that make us feel so worthless, when we just can’t see how much we have already achieved. Our growth is like that of a tree. We gain strength, build a  a strong and stable trunk (or mind) so we can branch out with courage when we reach out for help and to help. We will progress and we can succeed. The sky is the limit.

growth

The other day at a meeting, a young man had expressed he was struggling with temptations after 90 days of sobriety. He was scared. He was so afraid of what that would mean for him. His thoughts warped around ideas of disappointment and failure as a father and husband. I turned to him and told him what I mentioned above about the positives of sobriety. Another woman chirped in and said, “As far as I can tell, you won.” The man and I looked at her, he chuckled and smiled saying, “I guess I did.” He won because, just for today, he didn’t pick up. He was able to surf the wave of cravings and just say no. He did it, and so can you and I.

We don’t have to be idles of AA, NA or CA but we can set an example by following the steps and recognizing our achievements. Even the little things– like not picking up today, going to work or having an honest relationship with a friend or significant other–  can open our awareness, allowing us to express gratitude and pride in our recovery.

– Love and light, Robyn