She just couldn’t do it. She tried so hard to withdraw those memories from her mind. The ones that tormented her everyday of her few months of insanity. It was too hard. She thought about the people she hurt, the things she did and the crazy conclusions she came to. She wasn’t sure how to go about it.
The experiences in India were so different than in Illinois. In India everything was so profound, so spiritual. In Illinois it all surrounded around a boy that walked into her life at just the perfect time of her unraveling mind. The disillusions she had of him were the clearest memories of them all. The most embarrassing of them all. Surely he knew she was crazy right?
She doesn’t know what he knows or what he thinks. She only knows he doesn’t care, at least that’s what he says. The fact is though, she cares. It was her entire life that flipped upside down during those months and if “God” or reason has anything to do with life, then what was the reason he came into hers?
She read his poetry as if she was cracking a code. She was in such deep thought as she combed through every line. Around every phrase she formed another dissolution. She went to him, almost in tears, after she read the Egyptian Book of the Dead. She was convinced it was her life written out in clear text right in front of her eyes. He didn’t understand like she thought he would…
She thought back when he took her to a graveyard. This was such a bad idea given her state, given her thoughts that she already had about her mortality. She hadn’t remember the plane ride home, she was sure that she was dead and that he was clearly dead to. She remembers looking at the scar on his right cheek, wondering how he died. She didn’t want to ask, she thought it was a touchy subject. Besides, she had multiple conclusions about her own death besides the mystery of the flight back home.
When she was in India, trapped in a room (that was for her own good because of the way she was acting out) she had extreme pain on the top of her head every time she woke up. And every time, that pain was in a different place. It was like someone had shot her and left her there to die, only now she was a ghost… Maybe. It wasn’t clear to her at the time. Those thoughts she experienced in that room were…as said before– profound. They were extreme hallucinations and vivid meanings behind every object in sight. Stories played over in her head, lessons taught throughout her childhood were painted on the walls, echoing in her brain… Driving her mad.
She’s come to terms with the fact that she’ll never know the answers as to why she went through such a traumatic mental maze. She’s just grateful that she found a way out. She still has questions and she hates how all of the relationships she formed before her psychosis had disappeared in the dark. She can only hope that someday she will be able to let it all out. Let it all go. After all, people are entertained by the stories she tells of those month of insanity. Those months of believing she could control the air, never die and find meaning in everything she saw and heard. She was invincible yet so confused. It was too much to handle. All the knowledge she thought she found through her observations were not the answers to life. At least, she has no proof that the unraveling of her mind brought her to the right conclusions. She can no longer define the line between truth and reality. And as she sits in a Starbucks with no person she knows, surrounded by no place she recognizes, she comes to the realization that everywhere she will go from this point on and every person she meets will have no idea of her past. She decides that this might be a good thing but she still has flashbacks of all the places she went, all the people she met when she was insane. Moving on and letting them go was like letting go of those memories. Finally accepting that that was then and this is now.
(This is a picture I must have took of myself on the plane ride home. I’m not sure how I even got it that colour… I have absolutly no memory of the entire trip back. Even the drive to the airport, home or even most of the days afterwards.)